What: West Side Stories is a monthly competitive story slam competition hosted by Petaluma comedian Dave Pokorny.

When: West Side Stories takes place the first Wednesday of every month at 7:30 p.m. The next WSS show is on Wednesday, April 6, when the theme will be “Too Many Cooks.”

Where: The Ballroom at Hotel Petaluma, 205 Kentucky St.

Cost: $13, purchased in advance (this show sells out all the time).

Next month’s show: The May 2022 West Side Stories slam will take place on Wednesday, May 6, with the theme “A Whole New Ballgame.”

Information: All the details, including how to purchase tickets, can be found at WestSideStoriesPetaluma.com.

On March 4, storyteller Alia Beeton won the March competition of West Side Stories Petaluma, working with the theme “Behind the Scenes.” The show was held at the historic Hotel Petaluma. At the end of the evening the audience selected Beeton’s story as their favorite. Here it is. According to Beeton, this is a true story.

[Alia Beeton takes the stage, clearly surprised at having been selected to tell a story. And yet, she is prepared]

Okay. Well … okay. I’m a writer and a producer and I run a media production company – but I moonlight sometimes as a handywoman. So I spend a lot of my spare time in hardware stores. It’s my happy place. I love it there. I love the music, I love the smell. I just love everything about a hardware store.

So, I’m wandering the aisles of a hardware store on day, wearing – not the usual coveralls I normally would be wearing at the hardware store. Instead, I’m out in the world in a “lady outfit,” with nice linen pants, a silk top, earrings, maybe even a little mascara.

I just felt like being a lady that day.

So, I’m wandering through the aisles, looking for foam rollers. Really – that’s what I was there for, and there’s a sales assistant, and he’s kind of following me.

“Do you need help, ma’am?”

I said, “Yeah, actually. Do the foam rollers come in four packs?”

And he said, “Well, you know, the difference between a foam roller and a polyester roller …” And I’m going, “Mmmm Hmmm …” Because he’s about to mansplain something I already know. “Mmmm hmmm, Yeah ….” And I sort of drift away, kind of out of his orbit, going, “Yep. Yep. Uh huh.”

Blissfully, he’s called away by another customer, and I’m peacefully by myself, and I squat down, seeing a paint brush that I actually need. And as I squat down, my linen pants, bless them, they, uh, split all the way up to the waistband. Just …

[Makes a soft ripping sound]

… and I’m down there, squatting – thankfully he’s gone – and now I’m considering my options.

Because it’s a hot day, I haven’t brought a shirt to tie around my waist. I didn’t bring a purse. I just have my wallet and my phone, and … “behind the scenes,” so to speak, for some reason, I’m commando today. I’m not wearing any underwear. And my pants were hatching a plan. My pants were like the jailer and my ass was the cunning prisoner who just decided to escape.

So, I’m squatting down there, and I think, “Okay, there are maybe a few options here. Maybe I could hightail it to the exit and just pretend this never happened.” But I have a special paint being shaken in the paint-shaker that I special-ordered. It would be a bit rude to leave that, wouldn’t it? This is also my only window of time to get the supplies I need for a job I’m supposed to start tomorrow.

So, OK, Plan 2. I can tuck the frayed material of my pants into my ass crack, and hold it in with a nice tight ass, and then just …

[In lieu of a verb, she demonstrates walking that way]

… right over to the counter and pay for my goods. But I feel like that would draw more attention than less attention. I finally decide to go for Plan 3, Option 3.

I decided to just pretend that nothing had happened. I would adopt an attitude of, you know, “you don’t need to know.” I would just go about my business “like a lady” – because I’m wearing such a ladylike outfit. So I stand up, make my way over to the paint, grab my paint – “Thank you sir, very nice” – and make my way over to the checkout line. “Oh wait. It’s rush hour.” And now I’m standing there, and people are stacking up behind me. And per COVID specifications, we are spaced every six feet apart.

The people behind me have a six-foot window, like a tenderloin peep show situation.

So I just stand there, and it takes everything in my lady-like power to keep on standing there, and all the time I’m thinking …

… “There is nothing amiss in the world. Everything is beautiful!”

And that’s what I do, until finally I pay for my items – and if they’ve seen anything, that’s not my business, is it? At this point, it doesn’t matter. I’ve got my paint. I’ve got my supplies. Nobody has said anything. No one at the checkout counter has gone, “Full moon on aisle four! Come check it out!”

So I gather up my items and make my way, quickly, out to the parking lot, just giving a brisk nod to the security guard.

“Nothing to see here, sir. No need to look down. Just keep your eyes up. Lovely, lovely!”

Once out in the parking lot I think, “Yes! I got away with this thing!”

And then my paintbrush slips off the top of my pile, and I think “Oh s—t.”

Well, no one’s around, and it’s like a nine-dollar brush, so I quickly lean down – instantly ripping the rest of my pants. There was like, only two inches left to rip, but it totally got ripped, let me tell you.

So I grab what’s left of of my pants, and just at that moment, of course, a truck comes around the corner, and through the open window I hear a guy say, “Woah.”

Now, it could have been that they were listening to the radio and he’d just heard some COVID statistic. I like to think there was some fascinating COVID statistic being reported right at that moment.

But that’s what I heard, just, “Woah.” And you know what? I grabbed my stuff, got in my car, and drove away like the devil himself was nipping at my tail.

So that’s what happened.

You never know what might happen at any moment behind the scenes.

What: West Side Stories is a monthly competitive story slam competition hosted by Petaluma comedian Dave Pokorny.

When: West Side Stories takes place the first Wednesday of every month at 7:30 p.m. The next WSS show is on Wednesday, April 6, when the theme will be “Too Many Cooks.”

Where: The Ballroom at Hotel Petaluma, 205 Kentucky St.

Cost: $13, purchased in advance (this show sells out all the time).

Next month’s show: The May 2022 West Side Stories slam will take place on Wednesday, May 6, with the theme “A Whole New Ballgame.”

Information: All the details, including how to purchase tickets, can be found at WestSideStoriesPetaluma.com.

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